the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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