His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
