im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
