Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
