I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
