As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
