my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
The adults are the big ones right?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
