I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Randomize
