i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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