I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
