Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
