Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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