When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
