Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Is that strawberry winking at me??
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
