No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
