Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
