Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
