I don't usually arrange sex via text message
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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