come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
