When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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