It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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