You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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