It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Randomize
