No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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