dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
