I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
