I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
