The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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