Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize
