I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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