She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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