he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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