you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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