Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize