When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
