I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
