So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
i was born a porn star she said
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
