I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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