I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
