I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
