I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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