rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
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