thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
