I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Randomize
