You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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