Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
