My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
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