Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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