Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
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