I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
