we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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