Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
