; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
