so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
