I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Randomize
