I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
