Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize