Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We need a shit load of segways right now
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
