Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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