you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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