i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize