I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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