I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
